Ramblings on Librarianship, Technology, and Academia

Of course I agree that it's morally wrong to steal someone's carburetor or sneak into their room to watch them sleep, and I don't mean to suggest that either of these things would ever be perceived as "charming" in real life. Obviously fiction differs from real life -- it enables a wider range of behaviours to be perceived as romantic/charming/hot. For me what is interesting is the *similarity* between fiction and real life, which is that in both cases there is a range of male behaviours that are sometimes considered charming, and within this range there is striking variation in women's judgments of similar behaviour from men.

There is a spectrum of what I'll call "possessive" behaviours displayed by men in both fiction and real life, ranging from the extreme (murders motivated by sexual jealousy, etc.) through the sometimes-romantic-in-fiction-but-too-extreme-for-real-life (stealing carburetors, sneaking into bedrooms) to the relatively mundane (e.g. starting a conversation with a woman you don't already know well). In both fiction and real life, women react to these behaviours with anything from disgust to sexual arousal. I think the only difference between women's perceptions of these behaviours in real life and in fiction is that they are able to perceive more extreme possessive behaviours as charming in fiction. I put this down to the fact that fiction permits us to experience only the positive aspects of something that might have negative consequences in real life. It's the same reason that many people who would never harm a soul in real life can savour a bloodthirsty fictional battle scene. Fiction makes it safe for us to turn down our superegos so that we can gratify our baser instincts without guilt! :)

If it is not solely the man's behaviour (i.e. the level of possessiveness he displays) that determines the woman's reaction, either in fiction or real life, then what does determine it? As you say, an author can steer the reader in either direction, but in real life there is no author -- but there is still enormous variation in perception. I would argue that the extra determining factor in real life is simply the extent to which the woman finds the man sexually attractive (which is a function of many things, including but not limited to his physical attractiveness). So I conclude that when a female reader finds some extremely possessive fictional behaviour romantic, what has happened is that the author has successfully persuaded her that the male character is highly sexually attractive to the female character (and possibly to the reader herself, although I don't think that is necessary or always happens).

That is a thought that I offer you in the hope that it is interesting to you and relevant here. But my main purpose is, as I said, to draw your attention to the predicament faced by real-life men in the real-life analogy to your literary expedition :) To me this is one of the "deep truths" the quote from your original post alludes to. I'm interested in any further thoughts you have.